


what words would you use to describe yourself?

by underscoregeoff



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Stage Gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 02:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15571932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/underscoregeoff/pseuds/underscoregeoff
Summary: If you could use three words to describe Awsten Knight before the fame, what would they be?





	what words would you use to describe yourself?

_If you could use three words to describe Awsten Knight before the fame, what would they be?_

Awsten sits at his desk, messing with the beaded bracelets on his wrist, counting the seconds in his head as they passed. The room was somewhat empty, many other students talking outside of class and Awsten wasn’t going to ruin his perfect attendance for this year with just a minute left before the- 

BRRNG.

His classmates begin pouring into the room along with his teacher. Awsten picks his head up a bit, his bangs blocking his view slightly. Awsten looks around at the familiar faces of the year. He makes partial eye contact with the teacher and puts his head back down. The bell rings once again and the teacher directs everyone’s attention to the front of the room. The teacher introduces herself as Mrs. Wilder (a name Awsten would soon learn to hate over the years) and begins to talk about what they will need for her Chemistry class. 

“Chemistry sucks,” A voice groans beside Awsten.

Awsten looks over to see who said it, but Mrs. Wilder has spotted him first. She directs him to the front of the class (Awsten soon finds out his name was Cody and that would not be the first time he is called by the teacher).

After the minor interruption, Mrs. Wilder asks the class to all write what they’ll be needing. Awsten takes out a notebook and pen, starting to write what the teacher does on the squeaky whiteboard. There’s a small tap on his back. And another. And one more before Awsten finally turns around. A boy with blue eyes and dirty blonde hair looks back at him.

“Do you have a pen I could borrow?”

Awsten nods and hands him the pen he was using. 

“Awsten Knight are you passing notes in my class?”

Mrs. Wilder’s voice echoed slightly in the quiet classroom. You could hear all the students turn in their seats to look at Awsten as he turned back around. His face was turning red with embarrassment. 

“He asked for a pen.”

The boy behind him nodded and held up the pen as ‘proof.’ Mrs. Wilder told the class that if they needed anything to ask her before asking other students. When the attention was brought off Awsten, he breathed out a sigh of relief and continued to write.

_Shy. I used to be really shy._

Awsten and his friends had been invited to a senior year party. He and Jawn had never been invited to one, Otto was quiet but seemed to hit it off with everyone which had led to many parties. Awsten wasn’t a party type, but Jawn said it would get the band’s name out if they had talked about it. A boy from his junior year class, Cody, was hosting the party. The whole senior class must’ve been invited because the house was packed and so was the backyard. The house smelled of booze and weed. Awsten didn’t drink or smoke, but he sat on one of the couches with an untouched solo cup in hand (the cup was filled with punch and he was convinced someone had spiked it) after losing Jawn and Otto in the crowd. 

A group began to push through the crowd and formed a circle in front of the couch. Awsten was confused until he noticed a buzzed Jawn sitting with the group and urging Awsten to sit with them.

“Spin the bottle, Aws!”

“No thank you, I’m not really-”

“Quit bein’ a pussy, dude, c’mon!”

Awsten soon sat next to Jawn in the circle. Awsten Constantine Knight was not going to be known as a pussy for not playing a stupid game of spin the bottle. One of the girls began explaining the rules before being cut off by another girl placing the bottle in the middle and spinning it.

As time went on, the circle got bigger. It was weird to see everyone you knew drunkenly kiss each other. When the girls kissed each other, they received wolf whistles from the boys (a lot of them got really into it to please the boys). The boys were a different story though. When the boys would land on each other, everyone would laugh and call them ‘fags.’ A lot of boys would say no which resulted in them having to take something off (which always ended up being their shirts). It was very awkward.

Awsten watched Jawn kiss a very drunk girl. When Jawn sat back down, he cheered for himself and everyone whistled. Awsten tried to be happy, but it was weird to see Jawn doing things he normally wouldn’t. The bottle was pushed towards Awsten. His turn. He pushed his hair out of his face and spun the bottle. He just wanted to get this over with. The bottle slowed down and landed on a boy everyone knew as Patty. The ‘ooo’s quickly started up. Awsten was not a pussy, he was not going to take his shirt off over a dumb kiss. The both of them quickly crawled over to each other and kissed. A few boys had called out ‘gaaay!’ already. The kiss lasted a bit longer than Awsten had expected, and suddenly it felt like the world was melting away. All that mattered was this kiss, and Patty, and the butterflies appearing in Awsten’s stomach. Awsten noted the fact that Patty didn’t taste of alcohol at all, he was just as sober as him. When they broke apart, Awsten felt his cheeks heat up when Patty stared at him with half-lidded eyes. In just a few seconds, Awsten felt like Patty had picked the pieces up and put them together… and then Patty opened his mouth.

“You have to play it up for the crowd, gets the girls goin’.”

Awsten’s pieces were shuffled and thrown back into the box, a complete reset of what he had just felt. The butterflies had died and were replaced with a big empty hole that sucked him up from the inside. Awsten sat back down and looked down as a few more rounds went by. When he looked back up, Patty was kissing a drunk girl (they were eating each others faces!). Awsten stood up and excused himself from the group which earned him a sad look from Jawn. 

Awsten had thought about kissing Patty every night after that. He thought about kissing other boys too and his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. He thought about kissing girls and it didn’t feel the same.

_Confused. I didn’t know who I was._

Awsten was scrolling through the pictures on his phone. 

“Another fight?”

Otto was right, Awsten was fighting with his girlfriend Violet again.

“This is going to be the last one.”

“You say that everytime, Awsten.”

Awsten’s heart broke a bit more at that comment. It was true, no matter how much they fought they would come back to each other. Their love was a drug and they were addicted to it. As much as it hurt to admit, Awsten needed this relationship. It felt wrong, it felt so wrong, but Awsten was sure that he was straight. All the questioning had led him to this answer and he was so sure it was the right one. A small notification stopped his thoughts completely.

“I’m sorry.” 

It was from Violet. It was the last thing Awsten wanted to read, but he told himself this was the right choice.

“I’m sorry too.” 

Awsten could feel his heart breaking in his chest. This isn’t what he wanted, but it was what he needed.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

_Fake. I wasn’t myself._

__

__

_What words would you use to describe yourself now?_

Awsten felt his heart pounding out of his chest when Jawn had set up a picnic for the two of them under the stars.

_Happy._

Awsten saw when Geoff grabbed his hand after coming out. 

_Honest._

Awsten could hear Otto’s screams on the streets of New York in June. 

_Free._

He sat back into his chair and had never felt so breathless looking back on these moments. He felt so free like he could shout his truths from the top of the building he was currently in. There were fireworks all through his body from the happiness. He was a young, confused, faker who finally felt honest.

_Myself._


End file.
